Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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