i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize