I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Someone shit on the floor
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
