you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
should my penis look like a turkey
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize