ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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