you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
