The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
