they need to just BURY HIM!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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