dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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