I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
