I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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