at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
