I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
