I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
