I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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