If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
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