Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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