I love black thongs
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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