i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
