Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
