i think my tv is drunk
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize