I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
