The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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