Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
