My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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