a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
