sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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