we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
