I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
