if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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