My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
