apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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