I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
