Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
