theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
