i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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