For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
