I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
