I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
