everyone is single if you try hard enough
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
