I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
