Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
