Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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