You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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