I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
