Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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