i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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