i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
