im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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