i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
