did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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