I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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