I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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