Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
