My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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