Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize