every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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