don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
