I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
