you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
