Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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