i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
