**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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