I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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