Got a toothbrush?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
