life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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