I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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