So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
